For years, I have been sitting in discomfort, not fully knowing what it was I wanted. But deep down, fully knowing that was a lie.
I knew what I wanted, I always have. I just wasn’t ready to take the next step.
You may have noticed my waffling over the years (if you have been with me that long, I thank you for your patience), my many false starts, my big proclamations for change with little follow through. And it’s not that I haven’t wanted to follow through on thse changes. I have. Fear has just gotten the better of me, until now.
“But what has changed?” you might be asking, to which I would reply, “The Universe has sent me a sign—a plethora of signs, actually—and it is finally time that I listen.”
For the past several years, I have documented both my physical and mental struggles here and on my Instagram page. Many of you followed me through the initial diagnosis of my pelvic pain, surgery to remove one of my ovaries, and then the subsequent pain that presented itself months after surgery. For the past two years, I have worked through my ailments at a snail’s pace, and finally, after working through months of therapy (both physical and mental), I am finally finally at a place where I feel strong enough to take the next step. I even wrote it in my journal in big, bold letters:
In the days leading up to this big journal entry, a series of signs beckoned me from the Universe. The first was during my final Physical Therapy session where my PT nearly scolded me (in the same way that a good friend might when they see you acting silly) and told me that it was time I shed my old self in order to fully step out into the new version of me. The deeper version of me. I could thank my old self for getting me this far, but in order to continue forward, I needed to allow room for my new self to flourish.
After that conversation, nearly everything I read/ heard on the radio, noticed in my environment pointed me in the direction of what my PT had advised of me. I couldn’t deny the call of the Universe. It had been conspiring to tell me, “Now is the time to forge your new path.”
Looking towards the Future
Moving into this new season, I will officially cease creating patterns for Untitled Thoughts. My heart just hasn’t been in it for a long time. I’ve had ideas for new designs, but every time I attempted to sit down and draft a pattern from start to finish, I’d immediately lose steam. I want to continue sewing, but doing so more for the fun of it rather than as my main job title.
Of course, this doesn’t mean my pattern will no longer be available for purchase. I plan to keep these on my site (along with all of the sewing resources) for as long as I feel is right. I will also be working behind the scenes with other indie pattern companies (I’ve been offered an official job with one!), aiding in the development of their patterns. This work feels less intense than coming up with a pattern from start to finish on my own, and I can focus more on doing the parts of pattern design that I love, such as illustrating and copyediting instructions or sewing up samples.
With my pattern business now at a close, I can turn my focus towards the things that have really been lighting me up. This includes:
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Taking care of my body, which I have discovered is much more prone to stress than I had realized (a story for another day).
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Writing and fostering the growing community here. I want to develop meaningful content to share with you as well as share more sides of myself in new and creative ways.
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Pursuing my creative practice more deeply through the lens of the natural world. I want to dive fully into projects that center around all things nature! The flora and fauna, textures and sounds, feelings and vibrations of my surrounding area are what I have noticed inspire me the most, and I want to capture them all in diverse ways. This might be through stories or poetry, natural dyeing, weaving, baking, etc. The possibilities are truly endless!
Universal signs from this week
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I took an embodiment business coaching session with Hedvika which was so powerful and eye opening. I discovered that the fear holding me back was a fear of rejection, a fear of being seen as unworthy. My body had created an internal, small, black box in which it had placed my “light.” When Hedvika asked why the box might be there, my body answered that it was trying to protect my inner light from being destroyed. All the while, that inner light was dimming because of the confines in which it had been placed.
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This NPR interview with Allison Russel hit me on so many deep and personal levels, I honestly feel as if I need to re-listen to it again, along with Allison’s entire album multiple times through. Only then may I begin to fully process how her music has spoken to me.
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As part of my physical therapy, I do yoga every morning to help stretch my hips and shoulders. Of course, this brand new Sagittarius Yoga with Kassandra came at the perfect time and with the most brilliant affirmations. I am now walking in them: I know my own truth (yes), I embrace change (definitely), I am free (yes, yes, YES!)
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I caught up on my newsletter reading and this one by
hit me square in the chest. I am still technically “on” instagram, but have been feeling the desire to leave for a few years now. I’m not sure if/ when that might occur, but Marlee’s post gave me a lot to think about. -
Finally, this second NPR interview with Dessa in which she discusses jumping through different genres, merging them together, and how music can be catchy while also imparting a deeper meaning.
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Adding one more: As I was literally writing this newsletter to you, I began reading another by
wherein she says everything I have been feeling and then some. Does she have secret access to my soul? I’ve never felt so seen.
October Reading Plans
I am woefully behind my reading goal for the year, but that’s okay! I am still reading as much as I have the opportunity to, and enjoying every bit of it. For October, I am leaning heavily into the spooky/ magic season with this *ambitious* stack of books. I doubt I will get through them all, but I love having all these options at my fingertips.
Are there any books on your list that you are excited to dive into this month?
Novel News
Speaking of books, you can now officially add my debut novel, A Daisy in Lily’s Valley, to your reading list on Goodreads!
This whole book writing process has been so surreal, and the closer I get to having a physical copy in my hands, the more magical/ otherworldly/ wild it all seems. I am literally days away from having the cover completed by the insanely talented Jordan Kady — would you like to be the first to see the grand reveal?
Until next time,
Brittani