This post was originally published on October 19th, 2023 via Newsletter
I was having one of those really heavy conversations with my partner today. You know the kind. One where there are a lot of long pauses filled with tense, unspoken words where the silence is only broken by one of you asking, “What are we even talking about anymore?”
Those kinds of conversations are never fun and rarely feel as if they come to a neat and tidy resolution, but they do offer us glimmers of insights. Brief flashes of coherently organizing our internal dialogue with an “Aha!” lightbulb moment for one or both) of you.
One of those “Aha!” moments came to us today. Even more shocking, the words tumbled from my own lips.
We were both tired and talking ourselves in circles (as these types of conversations tend to do) and were looking at the clock inching closer towards work-time. Our current long-pause was dragging on, and, as I looked down into my cold coffee cup, I blurted out,
“A big issue I need to work on within myself is learning to put my own opinion of me ahead of your opinion of me.”
*Cue mind explosion*
Not only did I shock myself with this admission, I think I shocked my partner as well. He seemed taken aback, but also impressed?
Of course, the sentiment that I expressed does not only extend to our relationship. In fact, what I said seems to extend out to everyone I have ever come into contact with throughout my entire life. For as long as I can recall, I have always looked to other people to tell me whether I am a good or a bad person. Whether I am worthy of love or respect. I am forever looking outwards to the world for approval without ever considering to turn inwards and ask myself, “Well, what to we think about this?”
I don’t even think I’ve ever looked to myself (let alone trusted my own opinion) on whether I think that I’m a good/worthy human.
Not until recently, that is. And damn has doing so been super freaking uncomfortable.
As someone who grew up in an environment where my thoughts, feelings, and opinions were oftentimes invalidated, made to feel wrong, or viewed as less than, I never developed the tools to trust my own instincts let alone figure out who I am or what it is I like. And the process to uncovering that deeply rooted sense of self often feels as if I am trying to physically push a mountain a few inches to the left.
It’s impossible and my back hurts, and I am really, really sweaty, now.
I mean, how do you even begin to develop an opinion of yourself if you know that your views are already skewed? And how do you keep yourself from swinging wildly in the opposite direction, developing an inflated sense of self and believing that everyone else around you is wrong?
These are the kinds of questions I have been asking myself lately. I don’t have an answer for any of them, but I am trying to put one shaky foot in front of the other every. single. day.
The first thing I have learned already? Maybe I don’t have to move the mountain. Perhaps the mountain is me and all it’s asking is that I take the time to understand it.
Novel News
I’ve sent my novel off for a test print this week! That means, in a few week’s time, I will be holding the very first copies of my novel in my actual hands. What?? That feels absolutely impossible and wild and real. After nearly two years of work, I get to hold my story in my hands.
Would you like to be a part of my first un-boxing? To see the novel come to life before your eyes, too?
Weekly Excerpt
As promised, here is this week’s excerpt from A Daisy in Lily’s Valley. This is by far one of my favorite lines and perfectly ties into the thoughts of this week. Perhaps I should take my own writing’s advice?
Tiny win of the week
This past Sunday I was an absolute wreck. I’d been spending nearly every day in some sort of sneezing fit and my body was exhausted, but I still had work that needed doing, deadlines that needed reaching.
Generally, this would have caused a giant mess of emotions to begin warring within me. A loud part of me would demand that I suck it up, push through the tiredness and get the work done already. And past Brittani would have done exactly that.
But current Brittani—the one who is more in-tune with what my body needs—took a look at what needed doing for the day and decided to work through that list mindfully, taking as many breaks as needed. I didn’t rush through my tasks in an effort to prove myself to an unknown figure. I didn’t force myself to sit at a desk until the job was done. I didn’t do any of the sort.
Instead, I grabbed a warm cup of tea, some tissues, and a blanket, and I wrapped myself in warmth on the couch. I spent an hour and accomplished one task before I felt wiped and turned on the television and curled deeper into the cocoon I had built. I still had more work to accomplish but not before I ate lunch, watched some more shows (while sneezing up a storm), and took a nap!
Only once I felt fully rested did I turn my computer back on and finish the work I had for the day.
And that was my teeny, tiny win for this week. Me, taking all the time I needed throughout the course of an entire day to finish three little tasks instead of pushing myself to keep going and going and going until I collapsed.
Until next time,
Brittani