“I am done living in a world where women are lied to about their bodies; where women are objects of sexual desire but not subjects of sexual pleasure; where sex is used as a weapon against women; and where women believe their bodies are broken, simply because those bodies are not male."
Come as You Are is one of those books that I know will stay with me for a long, long time. Even when I fail to recall anything specific, this is a book that lingers because it transforms your thought processes as you are reading. And after reading quite a number of other reviews, it seems I am not the only one who believes this to be true.
One of the first things that Emily Nagoski dives in to is our individual anatomy and biological makeup. She shows how vaginas (which are the inner bits, not the outer bits) and penises/ testicles are all made up of the same stuff but arranged differently. This was the first mind-blowing piece of information I came across, but also... it makes sense, doesn't it? And this sentiment - made of the same stuff but arranged differently - is a piece that Nagoski comes back to again and again.
Many other reviewers noted that this particular book felt repetitive, but I actually enjoyed the repetition of specific themes and questions that the author presented throughout the entirety of her work. The repetition was a gentle reminder when self-criticism began to creep its way back into my mind. And not everything was repetitive, at least not blatantly so. Many ideas were presented in a variety of ways and from different angles so that everyone reading might find what resonated with them most. Some of the ideas resonated with me better than others, but because there were so many ways to look at the information, I felt as if everything really clicked into place the further I got into the book.
I was particularly taken with the garden metaphor (of course. I love a good garden metaphor). I found it incredibly useful when trying to visualize some of the more challenging aspects of this book, especially as it related to sexual trauma.
"When a person experiences trauma, it's like someone snuck into their garden and ripped out all the plants they had been cultivating with such care and attention."
As a sexual trauma survivor, this particular quote resonated with me deeply. And though I experienced many emotions while reading (I literally bawled near the end. Really, just a good, long, ugly cry as emotions I wasn't expecting burst forth), Nagoski's writing style remained friendly and open. It felt safe to read. Almost like a friend taking the time to write a very long, thoughtful, and ultimately soothing letter.
"[It] means owning your feelings, listening to them, and being responsive without being reactive, taking emotions seriously without taking them personally."
Now that I have finished, I am passing my copy of the book on to a friend in hopes that once she is finished she might pass it on to someone else who might pass it on further and further. I hope that this book finds its way to everyone who might need it. It seriously is so so good.